


Sob Story

by jewelianna88



Category: Young Americans (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-23
Updated: 2011-04-23
Packaged: 2017-10-18 13:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/189523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jewelianna88/pseuds/jewelianna88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hamilton just can't take it any more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sob Story

by Juli

Hamilton pulled another note from his gym locker and stuffed it in his bag. They were becoming more frequent lately, and more direct. He picked up his duffel bag and slammed the door of his locker. Will and Scout were just coming in from the showers as he stormed out.

“Jeez, what’s he so upset about?” Scout asked.

Will shrugged. “Beats me. He’s been in a weird mood lately.”

When he got home, Hamilton dropped his bag on his bed and pulled out the note. He picked up the lighter on the desk and lit the corner of the paper, watching it burn. When it got too small to hold, he dropped in an empty glass and dumped out the ashes when it had burned out. It was becoming a frequent ritual. He emptied his gym clothes into a hamper and went to his dresser. From under the piles of clothes in a drawer, he pulled a silver photo frame. He sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at it, resting his elbows on his thighs. It was a picture of Jake, given to him on their six-month anniversary. They had been in New York at the time during the winter break. It was a picture that her friend had taken the year before she came to Rawley- Jake with longer hair, wearing makeup and a dress. Usually the photo made him smile. Today it just reminded him of what he was missing. He tossed it over his shoulder onto a pile of clothes by the closet and stood up. He picked up his camera and took a picture of the trashcan, half discarded paper scraps and half ashes. He set the camera down again and just stood with his hands on his hips, not knowing what to do next.

Meanwhile, Jake picked up another note from under her door. She sighed, read it, and slowly ripped it into small pieces, which she unceremoniously dumped into the trash. She supposed she should tell Hamilton, but after the way he had nearly mauled Ryder the past summer and several other people since, she kept the notes to herself. She picked up her science text again and began to read.

Later that day, Hamilton wandered over to the dorms for dinner. He smiled at Will and Scout and they sat down with some of the guys from the crew team to eat. A few minutes later Jake joined them. He smiled at her sadly and she returned the expression. The conversation was lively, and they soon became engrossed in a discussion on the merits of the new Play Station 2. But the tension between the two could be seen if anyone had paid close enough attention.

After dinner, Jake headed up to her room. She turned when she heard Hamilton calling her and saw him jogging down the hall.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Are you coming over tonight?”

Just then, a few of the varsity crew team members came around the corner. One began coughing but the word “queer” was very audible in his fit, and his posse of cronies laughed as they passed the two underclassmen. Jake looked skyward, as Hamilton eyed the ground.

When they had gone, Hamilton said, “Um, I don’t think that’d be such a good idea. I mean, I’ve got homework and stuff.”

“Yeah. Yeah, me too. So, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah. See ya then.” He turned.

“Hamilton?” Jake called, and he turned back.

“Are you OK? I mean, something’s wrong.”

He half smiled. It was all he could muster these days. “No. Everything’s fine. See you tomorrow.” He turned again, and walked away quickly so he wouldn’t be tempted to go back.

She didn’t believe him but let him go because another group of guys had just come out of the dining hall.

That night, Jake knocked on Will and Scout’s door. When one of them yelled to come in, she found Will at his desk and Scout on his bed, both reading.

“Have you guys noticed anything weird about Hamilton lately?” She asked.

They traded a look. “Like what?” Will asked cautiously.

“Like he seems all depressed. I didn’t know if something was wrong that he didn’t want to tell me, being his girlfriend, but might have told you guys.”

“He has been a little moody lately.” Scout said.

Jake looked to Will for confirmation. He shrugged. “I don’t know what’s up. Maybe you should talk to him about it.”

“I will. I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t just me who saw it. Thanks.” She left closing the door behind her.

Scout looked over at Will. “I don’t have a good feeling about this.”

Jake awoke the next morning to a knocking at her door. She found Hamilton outside, obviously upset. She held the door open and let him in. He didn’t sit as usual, but paced. She sat in her desk chair and waited for him to speak.

“I….I… I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what, Hamilton?”

“Do this. Do us. Do this secrecy thing. I’m sorry. I thought I could but I can’t. It’s just too hard.” He rushed the words out, running them together so she could barely understand him.

“Hamilton, slow down. What do you mean?”

He looked at her for the first time since entering. She saw tears in his eyes.

“I can’t do this Jake. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you so much. But this… us… it’s killing me. I’m getting death threats by some homophobe. Maybe more than one. Someone sent a letter to my dad accusing me of breaking sodomy laws. They threatened to go to the Board of Directors and have him fired. I thought I could deal with other kids thinking we were gay but it’s just gotten way out of control. I can’t do it anymore.”

Jake looked at him then turned. She took a deep shaky breath to steady herself.

“OK. OK. I understand. It’s over. That’s fine. It’ll be fine.” She fought to hold in her emotions.

“Don’t say that. Don’t be so cold about it,” he pleaded.

She whirled at that and yelled, “What do you want me to do Hamilton? Do you want me to yell and scream and throw things at you? Do you want me to get angry and tell you that I hate you? Or do you want me to beg you to stay with me even though I can see that it is tearing you up inside and you’re miserable? Do you think I want you risking your life and your family’s well being just so we can be together? Do you think we could be happy if you did? What you said makes perfect sense. It’s gotten out of control.”

Tears were running down her cheeks now as well.

He held out his hands. “I love you so much. But I just don’t think I can take anymore without coming apart..” He reached out to touch her and she backed away.

“I love you.” He repeated, and stepped closer, grabbing her, kissing her on the lips. “Goodbye Jacqueline.”

He walked out the door and down the stairs. He went back to his house, ran to his room, lied on his bed and cried. His mother came in, having heard his sobs. She didn’t know what to do, so she sat and rubbed his back like when he was a little boy woken up by nightmares. His father looked in the door, but didn’t say anything and backed away. Hamilton cried out all of the anger and frustration of the past few months, all of the fear and now the great sense of loss he felt. When no more tears would come, he picked up a pad of paper and wrote:

 _Dear Jacqueline,  
From the first moment I saw you I knew you would have this great meaning in my life. There was a connection so deep it made me question the essence of my soul and risk everything to be with you. As a girlfriend you brought out the best in me. Your love was my rock, my shelter, my peace. I only wish I was strong enough to have that be enough. I am weak, Jake, and I am so sorry that I can’t fight harder for us. But after months of fighting I don’t have anything left of me to give. I can hardly remember what it was like not to struggle through each day. I’m afraid if we continue that someday I won’t have anything left of me, or that just one thing too many will happen and I will tell your secret. I never want to betray you like that. So, for now, we can’t be together. Not until I am stronger. Not until I am able to stand up to the world. I love you. I always will. Please don’t blame yourself for my fears and failures.  
Always yours,  
Hamilton_

He sealed it in an envelope and sat it on his desk. He stared at it for a little while, then picked it up again. He rose and strode up to the dorms. He went to slip it under Jake’s door, but found the door open. The room was empty. He walked inside and looked around at where Jake was supposed to be, but saw only empty space, a few of her posters on the wall, but a stripped bed and empty closet. He cast his eyes down and saw, on the desk, an envelope with his name on it in her loopy handwriting. He opened it and began to read, sinking down onto the edge of her bed.

 _Dear Hamilton,  
I can never forgive myself for causing you so much pain. I love you too much to let you live in such a state of melancholy. I have seen you withering from the strong confident boy I met this summer to a sad, confused one of the past few months. I decided the best thing to do to end this is to leave. You gave me so much this past year that the least I can give you is peace. I spoke to your father, told him the entire story. That should put your family at ease. As for the school, I can only hope that the saying is true, and that tomorrow a more gossip-worthy spectacle will come along and they will forget all about this. I love you. I always will. Maybe someday we will meet again under better circumstances. See ya when I see ya.  
Love always,  
Jacqueline_

Gone. It had never entered his mind. He got up and raced to where her bike was hidden, but found nothing but tire tracks. He sat there, and didn’t cry, but clutched her letter to his chest buried his head in his hands until the cold set in.

He stumbled back to his house, walking past his parents, not meeting their sympathetic gazes, and fell into bed. Gone. It was his last thought as he fell into sleep, where he dreamed of the two of them together. Waking was a disappointment.

Having to face his family and friend was nearly impossible. He knew he had caused this to happen, but still couldn’t believe it was true. After a week of going through the motions, there was still no word. As he was preparing to leave the gym, he found another note.

“Just because your boyfriend’s gone doesn’t make you any less queer. Watch your back fag.”

He curled it up in his clenched fist and sat down on the bench. For nothing, was all he could think. She was gone and nothing had changed. He had thought it was hard to deal with this when she was around, but it felt so much worse when she was gone.

When he got home that night, he sat on his bed with a razor blade in one hand. It would be so easy to use it. Two quick slashes and then just time. As he eyed it, fighting the urge to pull it across his wrists, something on the floor caught his eye. Under a sweatshirt peaked out the corner of the silver picture frame. He dropped the blade and picked up the photo. His Jacqueline.

“Maybe someday we will meet again under better circumstances. See ya when I see ya” That was what she had written in her letter.

He would find her. He vowed then and there, to himself. He had no choice. She was his soul. He would find her and reunite them. The strength that he had been losing over the past months returned as he gave his life a purpose again. As long as it took, he would fight so that they could be together.

END


End file.
